Spice up your virtual meetings by inviting along a Goat!


Corona virus. The only logical reaction - hire a goat for all your important video meetings. Will anyone even notice if a scape-goat joins the call?


For the bargain price of £5 (all currencies and countries accepted) you can choose one of our goats to join you for 5 minutes of your video meeting. All proceeds go towards bulk buying loo roll* 

The goats are savvy in Microsoft teams, Webex, Blue Jeans, Skype, Google Hangouts, Jitsi, Go To Meeting and pretty much all other video platforms from which you can send a call invite link.

Choose a Goat for your call!


Mary has had it with the Mum life and has taken the approach of letting her kid, the Sassy Simone, do whatever she wants. This includes Simone jumping on her back. Kids today have no respect.

What to expect from Mary:

- Ambivalence

- limited attention span

- Totally fine peeing in front of you


Lisa is constantly hungry, angry and demanding - no surprise as her twin kids run riot in their pen on the daily, jumping all over her and demanding food. Lisa enjoys napping and drinking wine, though her kids rarely give her the chance to either.

What to expect from Lisa:

- Passive aggressive bleating

- Ferocious hunger

- Lack of any form of patience or tolerance of anything


Elizabeth, always keeping it classy. The mother of twin boys born in late May, Elizabeth is glowing with good health. She shares a pen with her evil twin, who will not be named as said evil twin jumped the farm boundary fence into the neighbouring kitchen gardens and devoured all the cauliflowers. Elizabeth is the good twin, who will curiously look on while listening intently to you.

What to expect from Elizabeth:

- Impeccable video call etiquette

- On point glossy coat

- Impeccably behaved children (mostly)

- A sense of moral duty


Bret is that guy from the gym who works more on his snapchat pics than his weights. His neck is wider than his vocabulary, not suprising, as he is a Goat. He lives in the lad pad with his three mates Terrance, Clive and Rohan.

What to expect from Bret:

- All the energy

- All the opinions

- None of the substance


Terrance is a sweet young man who just wants the quite life. He has to live in the lad pad with the other boys and tolerates their company.

What to expect from Terrance:

- A genuine desire for chin scratches

- A deep interest in what you have to say

- Soft velvety ears


Sassy teenage kid Simone was born in mid May. Simone lives with Mum, Mary, and enjoys mechanics, memes and make up tutorials. She used to jump all over her mum as a little kid but now she's a cool teen into posing for the camera to get that perfect selfie and building her own electric farm truck.

What to expect from Simone:

- Epic tik tok game

- Perfect pout

- Love of all things Tesla

6 of our newest arrivals, the stars of our 'name a goat kid' competition, born in May and growing fast!

Questions? message us

Shakin' Susan

Shakin' Suze has had a tough old year. She caught her horn on the fence in 2019 while out in the field and snapped it. She had to go to the vets to have her broken horn removed and now has wonky head gear. 

Suze fell in love with the wrong guy in the Autumn of 2019 - even though she was promised to another. The romance resulted in young Cuthbert, her son, who was born in February. Susan has an addiction to online conspiracy forums and is deeply committed to teaching anyone who will listen about the dangers of 5GOAT.

What to expect from Suze:

- Free loving hipster vibes

- On fleek shiny coat

- A deep desire to educate about the perils of 5GOAT.

- Subtle facial twitching

Can't find a date/ time you want for the beasts above? Extra goats below with additional availability!


Young Cuthbert is the Son of Shakin' Susan. A naturally inquisitive fellow, Cuthbert likes to talk space exploration and what goat farming might look like on Mars. He REALLY loves food and frequently gets his head stuck in the fence trying to steal hay from his neighbours.

What to expect from Cuthbert:

- Excellent goat Sci Fi knowledge

- An interest in all things space travel

- Extreme gluttony


This is the goat that was banned from participating in goat yoga due to head butting other goats away from the humans so she could have all the attention. She loves people but maybe too much. Daisy has twin kids, loves a catch up and HATES her neighbours in the adjacent pen.

What to expect from Daisy:

- Rage and affection in equal measures

- Head butting her neighbours fence if they dare approach her hay supply.

- Massive lack of respect for social distancing

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* No really. 

Ok ok you got us - We're not actually funding a loo roll hoarding exercise! All profits from the Goat zoom call madness will be going towards paying for the purchase and installation of renewable technologies at the farm. The awkward, brutal side effect of COVID 19 is that it is having an amazing affect on the worlds climate due to reduced pollution levels. Imagine if the spell binding clear night skies of late and the sweet clean taste of the wind were the new normal - only we were allowed to play out in it. It is our hope that one day we will produce enough renewable energy here at the farm to sell the excess back to the grid. The more people with the ability to do this who install clean tech, the more financially viable it becomes for everyone. We hope you like our slightly off the wall Goat zoom idea and that it brings you a laugh during these strange times. Sending bear hugs, the Cronkshaw team x

P.S - We've now been asked by several folks if we are accepting donations towards our cause of installing renewable technologies here. We were asked this loads of times back in Autumn 2019 after our BBC documentary aired (if you didn't see it search 'Dots farm' on Amazon prime in a month or so as it will be on there) but it just felt so cheeky getting money for free without doing the work for it we didn't do it. We like to earn our own way.

Since then we've had numerous emails pointing out that lots of people REALLY want to do something about climate change and unlike us they don't have the space to install loads of solar panels or a wind turbine. By accepting donations we are allowing such folks to help us do something big to help tackle climate change when their circumstances won't allow for it. We had not seen it from this point of view before so (after much mental anguish!) we have put a donate button below, hidden at the bottom of this page out of the way hehe


All of the donations will go towards buying and installing renewable tech. We will be saving all your names and graffiti-ing them onto the panel edges and wind turbine once we have them.

OK - if you've read this far we feel you must really really want to donate so here is the button:




























only if you're sure though......


We still find this emotionally challenging ok





well this is it now.....

Ta da!