Spice up your virtual meetings: Invite a Goat
Got an upcoming video call? Find out if your workmates, friends and family are paying attention by adding a goat. Only £5!
For the bargain price of £5 (all currencies and countries accepted) you can choose one of our goats to join you for 5 minutes of your video meeting. All proceeds go towards bulk buying loo roll.*
The goats are savvy in Zoom, Microsoft teams, Webex, Blue Jeans, Skype, Google Hangouts, Jitsi, Go To Meeting and Ring Central. Want to use a different platform? Message us.
Choose a Goat for your call!
With estrogen inducing levels of cuteness Lulu can commonly be found in the main barn snuggling with her Mummy, Daisy. It’s far too easy to assume this little critter is nothing but sweetness and light, yet legend has it Lulu’s blood curdling bleat scared Taylor Swift out of her own music video. Lulu likes to use her treacherous screech to interrupt any time a goat other than her is booked for a call.
What to expect from Lulu:
The floppiest ears and the fuzziest belly fluff
A complete disregard for other goats/camera operators personal space
Extreme jealousy should you DARE mention the cuteness of any other goats during your call.
Kid of Kids
King of Kidology and sultan of self-affirmations, Ozymandias doesn’t think he is the Greatest of All Time - he knows it. known in the barn for his selfie game, Ozy lives in the lad pad with his subordinates Iva, Sebastian and twin brother Mr Moderator.
What to expect from Ozy:
A deep enduring love of his own reflection
Sunglasses indoors in winter at nighttime
Enjoys tallying his number of tinder matches on the barn wall for all to see.
Since her teenage son left home last month Lisa finally has the peace and tranquility she has craved. She’s moved back to the main barn with her Goat gal pals where she spends her time watching Thelma and Louise on repeat, eating snacks and napping whenever the heck she fancies.
What to expect from Lisa:
Chillin’ out max
Relaxin’ all cool
Absolutely no interest in ball sports
How it started:
The epitome of decorum and grace with a sense of moral duty - in lockdown 1 you’d find Elizabeth doting over her twin boys, Ozymandias Kid of Kids and Mr Moderator.
How it's going:
The twins have moved out and Elizabeth has let LOOSE - she’s started dating the handsome Timone from the neighbouring barn and has taken up the hobby of wine tasting, though it may now be described as more of a career than a hobby...
What to expect from Elizabeth:
Frequent bouts of the hiccups
Perfectly quaffed hair
Tales of her care free naughty habit of running through fields of wheat
Her name is Lola, she is a show goat, yellow Iodine on her hair from butting heads without a care.
While many of the Goats on the farm have been available to book for video calls since last March, Lola has had to wait until now to gain a spot in the limelight.
What to expect from Lola:
Tap dancing hooves
RAGE if any other goat tries to steal her moment of fame
Margaret is the highest ranking nanny who has ever lived in the barn. Feared by some, respected by all, you don't want to get on the wrong side of Marge.
What to expect from Margaret:
.... and the occasional head butting of miscreants.
Sweet Sebastian would like life to consist of nothing more than belly rubs and carrot sticks. Alas, he lives in the lad pad with Ozy, Mr Moderator and Iva and finds himself at the bottom of the social hierarchy, teased about his pot belly and often the subject of headbutting practice by his pen mates.
Seb is fed up with his knuckle head companions and would love nothing more than to join you for an intellectual conversation during your virtual book club, scrabble game or history quiz.
What to expect from Sebastian:
Polite and courteous manners
A genuine interest in what you have to say
Soft, velvety ears
You may have seen Jackie before in her role as a TV stunt goat during a courageous battle scene where she was thrown out of an English castle by a very naughty Frenchman. It turned out they thought she did not have the authority to be there.
What to expect from Jackie:
Humming Britney Spears songs subconsciously
Apt at casting reprobates into the Zoom waiting room
May fart in your general direction if you are naughty
Time you want not available? Click here for more availability
Got exciting news to share? Hire a GOAT WITH A NOTE!
Have a message to share that requires more pizazz than a normal video call?
Book one of our goats to deliver a special note of your choosing via video call.
The Goats will present your special note for your comrades to read written on special Goat friendly edible paper. Once everyone has had chance to read it, the goats will DEVOUR IT. Nice news is just delicious!
(We know this is bonkers, btw. It's 2021. We've just got to Goat with the flow.)
Book a GOAT WITH A NOTE to join you on a live video call!
Want a recording Instead?
We can write your special note out for the goats to eat, record them eating it then send the video to you via email.
Buy a video of a GOAT eating your special NOTE!
Got a Goat loving pal? Get em' a voucher!
Questions? Message us
* No really, alllll the money is going on hoarding loo roll!.
Ok ok you got us - We're not actually funding a loo roll hoarding exercise! All profits from the Goat zoom call madness will be going towards paying for the purchase and installation of renewable technologies at the farm. The awkward, brutal side effect of COVID 19 is that it is having an amazing affect on the worlds climate due to reduced pollution levels. Imagine if the spell binding clear night skies of late and the sweet clean taste of the wind were the new normal - only we were allowed to play out in it. It is our hope that one day we will produce enough renewable energy here at the farm to sell the excess back to the grid. The more people with the ability to do this who install clean tech, the more financially viable it becomes for everyone. We hope you like our slightly off the wall Goat zoom idea and that it brings you a laugh during these strange times. Sending bear hugs, the Cronkshaw team x
P.S - We've now been asked by several folks if we are accepting donations towards our cause of installing renewable technologies here. We were asked this loads of times back in Autumn 2019 after our BBC documentary aired (if you didn't see it search 'Dots farm' on Amazon prime in a month or so as it will be on there) but it just felt so cheeky getting money for free without doing the work for it we didn't do it. We like to earn our own way.
Since then we've had numerous emails pointing out that lots of people REALLY want to do something about climate change and unlike us they don't have the space to install loads of solar panels or a wind turbine. By accepting donations we are allowing such folks to help us do something big to help tackle climate change when their circumstances won't allow for it. We had not seen it from this point of view before so (after much mental anguish!) we have put a donate button below, hidden at the bottom of this page out of the way hehe
All of the donations will go towards buying and installing renewable tech. We will be saving all your names and graffiti-ing them onto the panel edges and wind turbine once we have them.
OK - if you've read this far we feel you must really really want to donate so here is the button:
only if you're sure though......
We still find this emotionally challenging ok
well this is it now.....