Spice up your virtual meetings: Invite a Goat

 

Got an upcoming video call? Find out if your workmates, friends and family are paying attention by adding a goat. Only £5!

 

For the bargain price of £5 (all currencies and countries accepted) you can choose one of our goats to join you for 5 minutes of your video meeting. All proceeds go towards bulk buying loo roll.* 

The goats are savvy in Zoom, Microsoft teams, Webex, Blue Jeans, Skype, Google Hangouts, Jitsi, Go To Meeting and Ring Central. Want to use a different platform? Message us.

Choose a Goat for your call!

Mary

Mary has had it with the Mum life and has taken the approach of letting her teenage kid, the Sassy Simone, do whatever she wants. Kids today have no respect.

What to expect from Mary:

- Ambivalence

- limited attention span

- Totally fine peeing in front of you

Mary Cronkshaw
Daisy Cronkshaw

Daisy

This is the goat that was banned from participating in goat yoga due to head butting other goats away from the humans so she could have all the attention. She loves people but maybe too much. Daisy is Mum to Lulu, loves reading (and eating) business management books and HATES anyone who disturbs her from the important business of eating.

What to expect from Daisy:

- Rage and affection in equal measures

- Head butting her pen mates if they dare approach her hay supply.

- Complicit in the petty theft of snacks via pick pocketing

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Lulu

With estrogen inducing levels of cuteness Lulu can commonly be found in the main barn snuggling with her Mummy, Daisy. It’s far too easy to assume this little critter is nothing but sweetness and light, yet legend has it Lulu’s blood curdling bleat scared Taylor Swift out of her own music video. Lulu likes to use her treacherous screech to interrupt any time a goat other than her is booked for a call.

What to expect from Lulu:

  • The floppiest ears and the fuzziest belly fluff

  • A complete disregard for other goats/camera operators personal space

  • Extreme jealousy should you DARE mention the cuteness of any other goats during your call.

Jackie

You may have seen Jackie before in her role as a TV stunt goat during a courageous battle scene where she was thrown out of an English castle by a very naughty Frenchman. It turned out they thought she did not have the authority to be there.

What to expect from Jackie:

  • Humming Britney Spears songs subconsciously

  • Apt at casting reprobates into the Zoom waiting room

  • May fart in your general direction

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Lisa

Since former boyfriend Timone got the boot Lisa finally has the peace and tranquility she has craved. She’s moved back to the main barn with her Goat gal pals where she spends her time watching Thelma and Louise on repeat, eating snacks and napping whenever the heck she fancies.

What to expect from Lisa:

- Passive aggressive bleating

- Ferocious hunger

- Lack of any form of patience or tolerance of anything

Elizabeth

Elizabeth, always keeping it classy. A true believer in the multivitamins Elizabeth is glowing with good health. She shares a pen with her evil twin, who will not be named as said evil twin jumped the farm boundary fence into the neighbouring kitchen gardens and devoured all the cauliflowers. Elizabeth is the good twin, who will curiously look on while listening intently to you.

What to expect from Elizabeth:

- Impeccable video call etiquette

- On point glossy coat

- A sense of moral duty

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Elizabeth's evil twin

Evil mastermind or misunderstood maverick? You decide. No one truly knows what this mysterious Caprine enigma is thinking

What to expect from Elizabeth's evil twin:

  • Impressively bendy neck

  • soul penetrating stare

  • More unknowable than the location of Boris Johnson's hair brush

Lola

Her name is Lola, she is a show goat, yellow Iodine on her hair from butting heads without a care.

 

While many of the Goats on the farm have been available to book for video calls since last March, Lola has had to wait until now to gain a spot in the limelight. 

What to expect from Lola:

  • Dazzling smiles

  • Tap dancing hooves

  • RAGE if any other goat tries to steal her moment of fame

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Margaret

 

Margaret is the highest ranking nanny who has ever lived in the barn. Feared by some, respected by all, you don't want to get on the wrong side of Marge. 

What to expect from Margaret:

- Valour

- Honour

- Justice

 

.... and the occasional head butting of miscreants.

Got exciting news to share? Hire a GOAT WITH A NOTE! 

Have a message to share that requires more pizazz than a normal video call?

Book one of our goats to deliver a special note of your choosing via video call.

 

The Goats will present your special note for your comrades to read written on special Goat friendly edible paper with special edible ink. Once everyone has had chance to read it, the goats will DEVOUR IT. Nice news is just delicious!

(We know this is bonkers, btw)

ONLY £10!

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Want a recording Instead?

 

We can write your special note out for the goats to eat, record them eating it then send the video to you via email.

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Buy a video of a GOAT eating your special NOTE!

ONLY £10!

Got a Goat loving pal? Give the gift of Goats!

Questions? Message us

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* No really, alllll the money is going on hoarding loo roll!. 

Ok ok you got us - We're not actually funding a loo roll hoarding exercise! All profits from the Goat zoom call madness will be going towards paying for the purchase and installation of renewable technologies at the farm. The awkward, brutal side effect of COVID 19 is that it is having an amazing affect on the worlds climate due to reduced pollution levels. Imagine if the spell binding clear night skies of late and the sweet clean taste of the wind were the new normal - only we were allowed to play out in it. It is our hope that one day we will produce enough renewable energy here at the farm to sell the excess back to the grid. The more people with the ability to do this who install clean tech, the more financially viable it becomes for everyone. We hope you like our slightly off the wall Goat zoom idea and that it brings you a laugh during these strange times. Sending bear hugs, the Cronkshaw team x

P.S - We've now been asked by several folks if we are accepting donations towards our cause of installing renewable technologies here. We were asked this loads of times back in Autumn 2019 after our BBC documentary aired (if you didn't see it search 'Dots farm' on Amazon prime in a month or so as it will be on there) but it just felt so cheeky getting money for free without doing the work for it we didn't do it. We like to earn our own way.

Since then we've had numerous emails pointing out that lots of people REALLY want to do something about climate change and unlike us they don't have the space to install loads of solar panels or a wind turbine. By accepting donations we are allowing such folks to help us do something big to help tackle climate change when their circumstances won't allow for it. We had not seen it from this point of view before so (after much mental anguish!) we have put a donate button below, hidden at the bottom of this page out of the way hehe

 

All of the donations will go towards buying and installing renewable tech. We will be saving all your names and graffiti-ing them onto the panel edges and wind turbine once we have them.

OK - if you've read this far we feel you must really really want to donate so here is the button:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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only if you're sure though......

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We still find this emotionally challenging ok

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eeep!

yikes....

well this is it now.....

Ta da!